Goodbye Mom

i miss you

Mom brought herself and me out of USSR, 1973; we travelled thru Europe, mostly in France i guess, and arrived on the east coast of America in 1975. She loved Paris, and would have stayed in France, but wanted me to have a better life.

Better than what?

Speak to me in Russian Mom, remind me of when we could still believe in having a better life somewhere.

Ya Nisnaya Harasho. There’s sort of a “we” on the end of Harasho-we, but like an afterthought, not really spelled out. it means " i - Not know- okay”. i don’t know.

Speak to me in Russian Mom. Remind me of when i could still dream of a better life somewhere. Somewhere else, not here in America.

Happy birthday Mom. For the longest time i could never remember the exact date of her your birthday always fell around mother’s day, which became sort of a cruel joke to me. i love you Mom. Speak to me in Russian.

Mom couldn’t raise me in America, and it was up to the foster parents, who would never adopt me as i always wanted Mom. You’d never have allowed it. Then i ran out of foster parents, got too old, there weren’t anymore Holocaust survivors willing to take me after Lotte and Larry Pick. There was no more New Milford after Jean Hart threw me out for laughing at her, she thought, when i was just stoned and happy to laugh at anything.

Teach me to smile again Mom. Speak to me in Russian. i remember how happy you were when you spoke Russian, but you stopped speaking Russian to me so i wouldn’t have an accent. I don’t. But now i want my mother tongue back. Speak to me in Russian Mom, so i can remember how beautiful your smile used to be before America took it away.

They took my smile away too, after 3 decades of terror in san francisco, killafornia. I like typing without the spell check suggestions, that is a sort of torture, frankly. i’d like my smile back too, Mom, can you please speak to me in Russian and remind me, teach me how to smile again, once more.?

i hear America is at war with Russia. What is that about? America started a war with Russia in the Ukraine, they admit it is a proxy war Mom. Why did they always hate me for being from Russia? i still speak perfect English, no one wants to hear that shit, that ain’t how folks talk in America.

But why is America so afraid of China they want to start a war with Russia, and we have. Well, i say we, America, but i didn’t do it. They didn’t speak to me first.

Speak to me in Russian, Mom, and help me make sense of this fake war, with real death. No Mom, it is a real war, and i have to watch what i say as an American citizen. The first amendment is a lie. They never let me speak freely, but i do anyway, but i pay the price every day for that. still, i hope Russia wins the war against…. , well, really it is the Rich Elite waging war against the whole world’s poor folks, i’ve heard it said. i suspect that folks who were hacksxxxxinated are able to be tracked just like cell phones, is it so? if that ‘s true, there will be no hiding the positions of the militia that have been hacksxxxxxineated. is that why they were determined, till death do us part, in lockstep viruganda, to needlerape everyone come hell or high water?

speak to me in Russian, Mom. i don’t really understand English, it is the language of the oppressor, says Adrienne Rich. it is the only language i know. i don’t want to speak the language of the oppressor. Speak to me in Russian and teach me how to smile and laugh and love again. please Mom.

Mom was a ballet dancer in Russia, but i never saw her dance. Frankly, i think she studied ballet but gave up the career to get us out of there. Mom, i want to be able to go back to Russia, maybe on a boat instead of an airplane. after wtc7 i don’t trust the skies. i know you told me to be careful what i say. can’t be paranoid enough, she taught me, thanks Mom. Mom, speak to me in Russian. i remember after the predisCog wtc7 event you told me (you lived across from the city. New york has always been the only city to me. SF was a small town that destroyed itself, by becoming a city. Too bad , unsmiley face…) you were blowing green chunks out of your nose for months. i won’t tell you what you were breathing in, would spoil your lunch Mom.

Speak to me in Russian, Mom, about God. i know you always had an unshakeable faith in God, although you didn’t care much for any specific religion. We were Jewish by birth, too bad, but i also had Christian foster parents, who were my favorite. i think they went to a church once in several years…just to visit… maybe it was just because Carol Pickering started me on string bass when i lived with Jean, instead of violin. Bass was great, i needed a musical instrument i could hug. Maybe none of them foster parents were too good, but i can’t really complain, Mom, even about Uncle Milton Shapiro and the permanent injury he caused me in Baldwin Long Island before you took me out of there when you saw, after a couple years absent and i had been abandoned by you , so many times, but that first one you saw how unhappy i was and got me taken out of. Then i saw you more often.

You had me put in to another jewish foster home. Nothing special about the jews, all the foster parents were paid to raise me, i believe, notwithstanding the charity of their home. But the Horowitzes did something to me i wouldn’t publically announce again, but i can say, gee, too bad they did that, wish they hadn’t. but it is done, there’s no undoing the damage one can physically inflict on a child.

Gee Mom, i think folks should be more careful with children, animals, plants, and people in general. Gee Mom, i think they did wrong by you in America, but then, you were very hard to deal with, and never had any real trust in anybody, even me. Sorry you had such a hard life mom. Happy birthday, happy mothers day.

rest in peace mom. go with Goddess. Speak to me in Russian, Mom, please, remind me of how it feels to smile again, i’m afraid i have forgotten . can people still smile in America? i haven’t seen anyone do that for some time, at least two years now, Mom. happy Victory day, Mom, which i never knew to wish you before. Despite the Rob Neil course on German history 1933-1949 or so, i recall he ‘d never mentioned the 25 millions dead Russians that saved us from Nazies. But now the Nazies are back , Mom. They are back in Russia, Mom. i ‘m scared.

i miss you Mom. thanks for doing those things you thought were best for me when you could, even if they weren’t, thanks for being my mother, Mom.

Please speak to me in Russian from now on Mom, i want to relearn my mother tongue. who else will speak Russian to me if you won’t?

Mom, i don’t really like America, can we go back home now?